i did it :)

You guys. 

Remember my long-time dream of going back to school for a second degree? Remember when I started back to school, in 2009?

I posted THIS at the time, to commemorate the moment. 

You can click that "school" label

on the right if you want to know

all the other details.

But here's what I want to tell you.

You guys!

I finished the last paper of my degree

in the middle of the night last night. 

Left this note posted for Spike. 

He left at 4 AM for work, but left a reply. 

I spent this morning proofreading the living daylights out of it. 

And I just pressed "send" with it attached, to my prof. 

I DID IT!!!!

level best

This has been, for various reasons, the busiest summer I've had in a long time. If I hadn't planted perennials a few years ago, our front yard would look like a hayfield.

I planted no planters this year.

Our windows are in desperate need of cleaning.

Cooking has mostly meant

buy-the-healthiest-frozen-meal-I-can-find

and nuke it.

Or steam some veggies over rice.

The back yard is pretty rough in a few spots.

I'm hoping the dozen or so people

coming over for a BBQ next week

are gracious about that.

So ... knowing I've done my level best ...

(what is that? "level best"? where did that phrase come from?)

... I did something today I've never done in my life. I emailed my prof and asked for an extension on this paper, because it's not going to be as complete as I want it to be by Friday. Unless I pull some all-nighters next week. And I am not ... NOT ... an all-nighter person.

Never have been. It's not pretty.

I'm the person every year that wonders if it's really necessary to stay awake,

just to watch a ball drop and yell, "Happy New Year".

... "what if we all have an early dinner and call it a night?" ...

I know.

I'm a wild party.

His response - the prof's - "Of course. No problem. Don't stress over this."

I can't figure out how to change that counter over there on the right. So just go ahead and add 72 hours to it - I'm handing this baby in on the Monday after the originally planned Friday.

And then I'm done.

Done.

almost there

You know that one last paper, worth two entire courses?

Yeah. That. 

I'm at the editing stage. 

Not the final editing stage. The first take-this-massive-chunk-and-put-it-HERE stage. 

And a gazillion places that say "(citation needed)" because the chunk got separated from the citation, to be relocated later. 

#tiredbrain

i-dictate

I'm working away on this paper that I've been telling you about. If I'm good - today's work will get me over the hump.

Someone asked me if that meant I would be finished.

I laughed, with a note of hysteria.

No ... no, it doesn't mean that I will be finished.

But I will be in the second half.

My goal today is to finish taking all the sources that have been previously sorted into an outline (a laborious task on its own), and write sentences and quotes from all those sources. If I can get over THAT hump, I can then take aaaallll those sentences and quotes, along with the outline, and begin some massive editing that will eventually form a cogent argument.

I know you're excited about that.

Anyway. I've discovered that while viewing a journal article on one part of the screen, I can dictate thoughts from it onto another part of the screen. However, my MacBook does have limitations, no matter how clearly I enunciate.

For your amusement - the following is a list of "what I said" and "what my MacBook heard" from today's endeavours.

What I Said:  "youth"
What It Heard: "use"
*over and over and over and over and over and over and over again

What I Said: "Donetsk, Lviv and Kyiv"
What It Heard: "and yet, leave, and Kia's"
*helloooooo, the car of choice in Ukraine is a Lada, not a Kia

What I Said: "Soviet nostalgia"
What It Heard: "Soviet missed object"
*the Soviets missed SOMETHING, that's for sure

What I Said: "Galicia and the Donbas"
What It Heard: "DiLisio and the Don boss"
*I understand not hearing "Galicia" correctly; but "DiLisio" is a pretty specific substitute, don't you think? Not to be confused with the pizza, I presume.




What I Said: "broad-based equilibrium"
What It Heard: "broth-based equilibrium"
*Maybe if all of society just had a nice cup of broth, we could be less volatile.

What I Said: "deep-seated reforms"
What It Heard: "deep-see that performs"
*I can't even ... what could that possibly even mean?!

So...

Yeah.

That's that.

work spaces

I took a vacation day yesterday to do school work.

That's a first.

In several years of being in school part-time

while working full-time,

I've carefully hoarded vacation days for

that glorious between-semesters Down Time.

But ... this is the final push ...

I'll be finished in August ... 

and I've gotta get it done.

So I'm spreading out a week's worth of vacation days to

Get. It. Done.

I've discovered a change in the way my brain works.

I'm not sure if it's all the time-saving technology (which makes it actually harder to avoid distractions) ... or just that I have too much on my plate these days.

I do.

There's a lot on there, honestly,

and I love all of it.

I'm sooooo looking forward to being done school,

even though I will miss learning,

and haven't ruled out continuing on.

At any rate - it's harder to stay ultra-focused lately for a significant length of time.

I know that I need an outside view.

Learned that a long time ago, and Birkman confirmed it.

I would weep in a windowless cubicle.

At work, my desk is placed squarely in front of a window.

So my solution - for the focusing thing - has become setting timers and moving work spaces. It's surprisingly effective.

I start here, in my L'viv corner, so named because when I set it up as an experiment several months ago, The Boy said it reminded him of a L'viv cafe. From it, I can stare into the backyard while typing and thinking - that's what I do.

The Boy gets a little creeped out by my vacant stare, I think.

Louie hangs out there all the time, keeping an eye on things.

As soon as the snow melts, I'm outside on the shady back deck. I have to adjust the laptop screen a little, because of the glare, and if there's a breeze, papers blow away. But I could - and do - stay out there for hours.

(On Wednesday this week, a bird pooped right on my MacBook. Still didn't go inside.)

In the winter - or super early morning - or for a change of space - I work in my favourite chair. It's by the front window. Has a perfectly-placed space for coffee on one side, and a piano stool for extra papers on the other side.

It's cozy.

But this - THIS is my latest work space, and I spent hours here yesterday.

It's opposite the L'viv corner. That's the extra leaf from the dining room table on there, and it's solid as can be. I can even set a coffee on there, and work away while slowly walking. It's remarkable how much I can focus while my legs are moving.

Is this a side-effect of being a multi-tasking society?

We struggle now with single-tasking?

Whatever.

It's working,

and I'm now trying to figure out

how I can get a (free) treadmill

into my (not-big-enough) office at work. 

Louie's a little overwhelmed by all the beeping timers and the moving to different spaces, but he never says it out loud. Just sits in his corner with a facial expression that can mean anything.

He's the Mona Lisa of stuffed sheep.

travel through time and space

I'm working on a paper this summer, instead of going to classes. When it's done - I'm done.

Unless I decide to continue.

But I will have completed the original goal.

Hooray!

I got to choose the topic for my paper, which will be the sole basis for the final six credits.

No pressure.

So, of course, the general topic is Ukraine ... and the more specific topic is the idea of Soviet nostalgia ... which is or has been a real thing, for some, not all. We Westerners don't understand that at all ... doesn't even cross our minds.

Part of the research involves poring through Kyiv Post archives from 20 years ago. When the nation was only a few years old. When the economy was terrible. When the government was a giant pile of bureaucracy, effective at nothing.

You know what's sobering?

Articles that talk about being "too poor to die". People couldn't afford the cost of a funeral in Kyiv in 1997.

When I went the first time in 1999,

I remember babushkas - grandmothers -

sitting on the streets,

holding out their hands,

heads bowed,

no eye contact.

You held tightly to your belongings;

on that first trip

I kept my passport and cash with me

at all times,

in a belt under my clothing. 

Things have changed a great deal over the years, although the current war and flood of refugees is changing it all again.

It's easy for me to get lost in it all.

So on Mondays, my mind moves through history in a land on the other side of the planet, while attempting to frame events within a sociological understanding.

And on Mondays, I long to be there again, visiting this #landilove.

скоро.

soon. 

school prayer (not what you think)

My current course included a term paper worth 55% of the final grade, so I've been buried in that and in Easter for the last week or so.

hehehe

...

"buried"

...

"in Easter"

...

that was unintended :)

Plus Annual Business Meeting just prior to that.

At any rate, I blocked out everything else for the last two days, and finished up in the wee hours of this morning.

So I'd like to take this moment to offer thanks ...

... for the online citation machine which magically gets my reference list done with far less neck tension and eye strain than I do.

"Should this tiny colon be italicized?"

"Yes, but take out that comma.

It's completely WRONG,

and it's ruining EVERYTHING.

Ugh, you have FAILED."

... that Social Sciences uses APA referencing. Not the obvious evil of Chicago-style and Turabian footnotes that were the bane of my theological studies a few decades ago.

When "online" referred to laundry,

because what student in residence had money

for the coin-operated dryer??

Oh! And imagine this - although this particular paper involved a multi-page reference list, most of which involved thirty or more pages of reading, I literally only used three actual pieces of paper and a pencil to keep myself on track. All the rest was on a screen. Reading, researching, noting, highlighting, writing, editing. Did not enter an actual library. No actual paper until the final print-out.

Because the prof likes a hard copy.

I don't blame him.

...

Seriously, though,

I used to go to the library

and make millions of photocopies

to mark up, note, and discard.

Plus countless rough drafts.

Pre-recycling, I might add.

...

I literally only entered

McMaster's library *building*

for the first time

last year.

And that was for a meeting.

Oh! And one last moment of thanks.

Dear God, thank you that the due date was unexpectedly changed a couple of weeks ago from Easter Monday to Wednesday. I'm not sure what prompted the change. But I know I'm the only pastor in my class. (That's always true.)

So while Easter may just be a long spring weekend to others, it's ... EASTER WEEKEND for a running pastor.

And if I had had to get this paper done before the resurrection, I may well have needed that empty tomb myself.

Amen.

student delight

This weekend, I was doing some research for a paper I'm working on.

The prof allowed us to choose our own topic, but encouraged us to check it with him. When I did, he suggested three scholars I should look into, two by name, and ... "Um ... I can't remember his name ... uh ... he's at Ottawa University, I think ... does Ukrainian studies ... just Google him."

So I did. Double-checked a bit to see if the name I found was likely to be the guy my prof was thinking of. Looked down the list of his published papers, and found one that reviewed work by ANOTHER guy, describing him as a "towering figure in Ukrainian studies".

Thought to myself, "Hmmm, THAT name looks familiar." Glanced over at my bookshelf, and sure enough, there's one of his books, purchased years ago when I was searching for something - anything - about Ukrainian history.

Apparently it was a good buy.

This has been a delighted moment in the life of a nerd student.

bits of food on a friday

Alarm went off at 4:30 AM today.

That's just dumb. But I had to finish (start) a short paper that was due by 11:30 AM.

I had started it.

Barely.

I had been thinking about it.

And it was only two pages, after all, plus references.

So there was coffee and a good solid breakfast, but by the time I rushed out the door at 10:40, I was super hungry again. And I was racing to a quick stop at the office, followed by a three-hour class which included participation in a for/against debate on redress for historical racial discrimination.

So I grabbed a couple of cookies.

Dropped one in the driveway.

Looked at it.

Ate it.

And now I'm back at the office, have a few details to finish up before the weekend hits, and boy-oh-boy that early morning is really kicking in.

Almonds and beef jerky aren't helping.

It was an early morning yesterday too, because I wanted to know what happened in Minsk.

I don't want to talk about it.

A ceasefire agreement was reached.

It should be implemented Saturday at midnight.

The 50 tanks that rolled into Ukraine from Russia DURING the peace talks

undermined my faith in the outcome a little.

I don't want to talk about it.

And now my head is being held up by one hand as I contemplate those last few details of the day, wondering which ones are absolutely necessary, and which ones can wait until Tuesday.

I'm sure I have some raisins here somewhere.

Happy weekend to ya.

when i'm done

Were you around when this happened?

If schedules (theirs, not mine) work smoothly, I'll be done by August.

And it turns out that now that I've allowed that possibility to sink in, I'm reeeeealllllly counting on it.

*fingers crossed*

So in honour of Outrage-Free Friday, here are a few things I'm going to resume doing when I'm done school.

1. Cook

Honestly, the number of times I've bought an already-roasted chicken and a salad, and eaten them right out of the containers before dropping into bed.... This morning I was idly considering nachos or another roasted chicken for the weekend, and then remembered - I used to COOK! Not all the time, not by a long shot, but way more than now. And GOOD food. INTERESTING food. I even had shelves full of home canning for awhile.

I miss food that is not roasted chicken.

2. Garden

I designed and planted and grew a beautiful garden at this crazy little house of ours, front and back. Thank goodness I planned ahead with perennials.  It's the only thing that's kept it mildly - barely - respectable.

I miss spending hours in my garden.

And I miss long walks too.

3. Speak Russian

Turns out I couldn't learn this language AND pastor AND get a second degree at the same time. So the language is on hold. I practice when I can, and surprise myself at how much I can still do.

But ooooohhhhh, how I miss speaking Russian.

4. Read and write what I want

Not textbooks. Unless I want to read textbooks. I might want to. And no writing essays. Unless I want to. I might want to.

I miss the escape of burying myself in a book or a topic

that grabs every single bit of my imagination and passion.

Almost.

Done.

---

Your turn - what are you looking forward to?

me and the west wing

Did you ever watch The West Wing?

(Not the actual West Wing.

I really don't pay much attention to US politics.

The rhetoric alone is enough to make my head explode.)

No, I mean the TV series.

I loved it.

CJ's determination to win respect. Toby's sad loyalty. Abbey got on my nerves a little, but President Bartlett was tremendously inspiring, and he loved her to bits. Leo - how could you not adore that humble, immovable man? Sam, passionately naive. Charlie, quietly observing all of the nonsense and refusing to be pulled into it.

I'll be honest with you, when Zoe was kidnapped at the end of a season, that was a rough summer for me. I still follow Josh and Donna on Twitter. They got married after the show, by the way. She's in Congress now, can you imagine?!

It's possible I'm blurring the lines between TV and reality.

Anyway, there was one episode in which a potential Supreme Court Justice was being vetted as the President's candidate, or some such terminology. And he was "this close" but then they discovered something he wrote in an obscure university paper, long ago, and it was awful, but it happened, he wrote it, and the press would have a field day, and that was that. Game over.

No new job for him.

It's been on my mind lately because I have to successfully debate a position in class on Friday from a theoretical perspective that I completely disagree with. And that wouldn't be so bad, except I also have to write a short position paper on it. I could write from a different perspective, but either way, I still have to debate from the assigned one, so that's double the research, and ... um ... that is NOT gonna happen.

So if you ever run across an obscure, short, position paper written by moi that attempts to support biology as a plausible explanation for race riots a century ago ... I'm just so sorry. I assure you that in *real* life, I recognize that theoretical viewpoint for the horse poop that it is.

(And so does my prof.

He just thinks it's effective to make us learn theoretical perspectives,

even awful, completely discredited ones, 

by knowing them well enough to debate them.

He's probably right.) 

And the thing is ... I need the 15%.

I can hear Toby yelling in frustration, even now. "She ... wrote ... WHAT??!!! How ... HOW ... can that ... even ... be POSSIBLE??!!!!"

Sigh. 

I'm never going to be a Supreme Court Justice. 

And I was REALLY looking forward to that "Thank YOU Mr. President" moment with Jed Bartlett, too.

brain clench

Woke up with a start this morning - which theorist talked about the culture of consumption and the welfare state having contributed to the decline of egalitarian conversation in the public sphere of civil society?!

Oh! It was Habermas. Gramsci was the other guy, all about hegemony and the masses. Sank back into the pillow in relief.

Wait...I don't need to know that anymore. That exam was written Tuesday. 

My brain is taking longer than usual to unclench.

Meanwhile, a textbook for January's course has arrived. I flipped through it last night. Doesn't look too bad. 

On we go!

different spaces

Sunday was a little different from the usual.

Of course, there was our morning service. Honestly, I just have to tell you ... the group of people whom I get to pastor are simply wonderful. Sunday had it all ... heartfelt worship as we sang together ... we gathered in little groups and prayed together ... we interacted with Scripture together ... we shared the Lord's Supper together ... and then we sat around and chatted with bowls of soup together.

I really love my church.

Sunday afternoon, Spike and I stopped in at the grocery store, on our way out of town. Walked past a woman outside the door who was politely asking for spare change, responding with, "No, I'm sorry, I don't have any." It was a moment later that I realized what I had seen as I passed her. Terrible bruising and swelling, covering half of her face.

Someone had beaten her up.

I bought her a sandwich and a coffee, and gave her my card on the way out of the store. It took awhile for images of how the beating might have happened to stop flashing through my mind.

I can't comprehend the rationale behind personal, physical violence. There are a lot of things I don't understand. This is one of them.  

Sunday evening, we relaxed with food, laughter and friends at the home of The Crusty Professor. This is now a firmly-cemented friendship - probably one of the most unexpected ones I've ever had - and it makes me smile and shake my head in amusement.

So Sunday was a little different.

Grateful to interact with people.

In all these spaces.

angels in bureaucratic places

Yesterday I had to go to the university to speak to an academic advisor during their very limited "drop-in" hours. It was just over a technicality. The system wasn't letting me register for my next class, and I needed them to do ... something ... to fix that.

I was pretty grumbly about it, to be honest.

"Stupid online system that doesn't work ..."

"All the way to the university,

park several blocks away,

wait for who knows HOW long at a stupid drop-in ..."

"Oh suuuuure, you can make an appointment,

but that requires being able to actually get through

to a real person on the stupid phone ..."

You get the idea. To be fair - my grumbling was based on years of nearly quitting altogether from time to time, simply because of the entirely unnavigable website and bureaucracy. 

Aaaanyhoo, I needed to register. I'm way late for registering for this next course, because of this technical difficulty.

So I went. Parked (and set the timer on my phone for an hour, after which my car would be ticketed), walked in to campus (mentally grumbling the whole way), found the building I needed, took a deep breath, smiled and walked in.

The person at the desk smiled back, indicating a pile of forms and a bowl of candies.

"Just fill in this short form ... have a candy if you like ... and they'll be right with you."

I glanced around with resignation at several others waiting, and the person at the desk clarified. 

"They're all first-years, waiting for a different academic advisor. Yours isn't busy - she will just be a moment."

A minute later, my name was called and I went down the hall to Kelly, who was looking through my files and records. She assured me she would fix the technical difficulty, and then followed up with, "Let's just do this...." Took out a pen, scratched out "4" and wrote in "3". 

"So you just need to do three 4th-year courses now, not four. OK?"

"... Uh ... OK ..."

"And an elective. Any course at all. Whatever you like."

"OK ... oh ... I took an Anthropology course a few years ago by mistake.

It was a great course, but it didn't count for anything.

Does that count now?"

"Absolutely," she said. "So that's done. So you just need three 4th-year courses, that's it."

"OK," I said, stunned.

"Now," she said. "Which course do you want to take in January?"

"Any one at all that fits the requirements," I said. 

"OK ... hmmm ... they're all full ... but of course someone might drop one ..."

I nodded. I'm familiar with that part. She talked me through the list, mentioning one course that sounded interesting, and has a professor I've had before; I really liked him.

"That's an HB course," she said.

"Oh, ok. ... wait, what's HB?"

"Hold back," she smiled.

"Ooohhhh ... wait, what is that?"

"Oh," she said. "That's when they hold back seats for late registrants, just in case. Why don't you just go see Olga, upstairs, give her this ... and this ... and she'll get you a waiver and register you in that course, or whichever course you like. OK?"

"OK," I said. "Um ... thank you so much!"

Went to the 6th floor. Saw Olga. She smiled, reviewed my records, waived the hold-back, and registered me. 

Walked across campus to drop off a pastoral reference at another department for a student who's in my church.

Walked back to my car, with four minutes to spare.

Used those four minutes to dance and shriek joyfully in the middle of the street.

!!! only 3 more courses to go !!!

And a very happy Outrage-Free Friday to you too!

cookies in class

Last night was the final class of the semester. It's the time of year when I wonder if I will eeeeever finish this degree.

Cookies help.

The prof brought cookies last night.

And then a student ALSO brought cookies.

So that helped.

I've quite enjoyed this course, to be honest. The reading was ... kinda awful sometimes. Like, "bang my head on the wall and wail despairingly" awful. And I suspect that in the end I will receive the lowest grade of any class I've had so far.

... yep ... sigh ...

BUT ... I've learned a great deal, and the learning has been both applicable and enjoyable.

So I'm OK with that outcome.

Final exam in a few weeks. It's worth 35%. It's gonna require a lot ... A LOT ... of studying.

Wish me luck.

good for me

If you're been around here for awhile, you may remember this.

It was a tough day for me, that day I got an unexpectedly low grade. Scoff, roll your eyes, whatever. I don't care what anyone else gets. I don't compete with others. I compete with me. And I lost that day. I responded with this. And later won.

But it's several years later now. I'm in a class that I'm loving. I'm learning a great deal from it. But I'm also working like a crazy woman some weeks, and have several extra bits on my plate in addition to full-time work and part-time school.

I can't remember

the last time I cooked a real, full meal,

now that I think of it.

So ... I got a paper back this week. Got a lower grade than I'm used to.

(If I tell you what it is, some of you will judge me for how low it is,

and some of you will judge me for thinking it's a low grade,

so suffice it to say - I'm perfectly capable of judging myself, thanks.)

Got the essay back ... checked inside ... saw the grade ... and paused.

Nothing.

No reaction at all.

No nausea. No gasp. The colour did not drain from my face. Just a mental shrug and a realization that no one in the entire world gives a flying fig except me. And me? I've learned to be kinder to myself.

The whole point of going back to school

was to learn

and to get another degree.

It was not to have a perfect GPA

or to change careers.

I'm learning.

I'm enjoying.

I'm applying.

Good for me. :)

go ahead, mock

Cue the mockery. 

I'm about halfway through this wretched statistics class. I'm entirely certain it could be much, MUCH worse, with a different prof. And I'm reasonably certain I have an adequate brain. 

That being said, I truly find this class DIFFICULT. 

And THAT being said, I'm acknowledging that so far, I'm getting fantastic grades. 

Thus the mockery. "Pfft, Patti, you poser, if it's so hard, why the great marks?"

I don't know. That's the thing - I just don't know. I'm not complaining. Just not comprehending. 

But apparently I'm comprehending enough for the prof's standards. As I said to my mom, who mocked my claims of "utter despair" - "Maybe utter despair was the standard...?"

So I'm relieved. (And bewildered.)

And THAT being said, in tonight's lecture, I felt my brain achingly, painfully, slowly, reluctantly acknowledging some kind of foggy understanding of what was being said. 

And it occurred to me on the side, that perhaps this is how it feels to be slowly brainwashed. 

statistics-speak

I was in yet another meeting this morning.

It's been a long, long week, my friends.

A LONG week.

Someone cheerily forbade me from working tomorrow.

I laughed.

Yeah.

THAT'S gonna happen.

So anyway - I was in this meeting - discussing something world-changing, I'm sure.

And then I heard this statement:

"Well, they can't yet determine those statistics,

because the sample simply isn't large enough

to credibly extrapolate results to the general population."

And then I realized that statement came out of MY mouth.

Good grief.

It appears - possibly - that SOMETHING from my stats class is sinking into my head, despite it all.

today, tomorrow, and the next day

Really, I'm just looking for a waytago or a high-five or whatever will get me through the next few days.

Monday:
4 AM Drive Spike to work (43 minutes each way)
6 AM Make coffee and breakfast; send out regular Monday email to my favourite church; blog (that's what you're reading now); answer a couple of high priority emails, then firmly CLOSE emails.
8 AM Start (and hopefully finish by around 4 PM) assignment that is due Wednesday night
Evening: Class

Tuesday:
9:45 AM to maybe 9 PM Various meetings in various places, pretty much straight through (and reading for Wednesday meetings, squished in between the Tuesday meetings)

Wednesday:
9 AM to 4 PM One straight-through meeting
Evening: Class - hand in assignment (and now you know why I really need to finish that assignment today!)

Am fully stocked on coffee. House is relatively clean. So is my office, for what that's worth to you.

Nothing can possibly go wrong.

Right? ... Right???!!

just breathe

exam tonight.

remembering ze frank's song that helps me through these days.

hey

you're ok

you'll be fine

just breathe