"All words are symbols that represent unspeakable realities. Which is also why words are magical." (Donald Miller tweet)

Monday, June 04, 2012

jack's teeth

I know - I KNOW - that quoting ridiculous advertising is only going to encourage them. After all, any publicity is good publicity, right?

But sometimes I just can't take it.

For Mother's Day, Jack the Jeweler confidently proclaimed that the ONLY reason I have never given jewelry to my mom is because it was too expensive. And now that he had lowered his prices (because he loves HIS mom, even if I don't love mine), then there would certainly be no excuse at all.


Love = Jewelry.

Whether she wants it or not.

Today, I heard a dental consultant in one of those interview-style commercials. (Because apparently I'm an idiot who thinks this really is an actual news story.) The product was non-removable teeth. All was fine, until the last question - "What happens when I leave after the procedure?" And the answer - I kid you not - "Your life will be transformed. You will be a completely different person."

I can assure you ... you will not. You will be the SAME person. With new teeth.

No, wait ... you will be a profoundly disappointed person. With new teeth.

Um ... you will be a suddenly litigious person, with the real possibility of being awarded a lot of money, due to false advertising. With new teeth.

And then you will have the funds to prove your love for your mom by buying Jack's jewelry. Because Jack loves HIS mom.

And I'll bet he has non-removable teeth too.


proudmom said...

Actually, I don't have a comment; I have have a small list, in order to catch up:

1) So glad you blogged! I'd about given up, and since I haven't looked lately, now there's two! Hooray. The one about Twitter doesn't count cuz I donno a thing about it, and as yet, don't wanna.

2) Ya gotta know them dates for your credit card bill. I used to postpone making travel arrangements for a previous boss, so that the charges would be delayed a month on his bill. I'm thoughtful that way. I don't know why, cuz he was rich as snot.

3) Who the heck is Jack? Never heard of him, never saw his going-for-guilt commercial. Anyhow I have it on good authority your mother has a thing for bargain-jewellery only. Same for shoes. Same for clothes. Pretty much anything. Terribly bargain-minded, your mom.

4) Teeth people are in serious need of new advertising people. Your irk is a good example. My irk, also a good example, is the terribly pretty young woman with terribly stupendous teeth, who absolutely must go thru teeth-whitening on her 'day trip' so that she can answer the terribly cool idiot's question of "Where are you headed" with the idiotic answer of "I think I'm here".

Done now.

Derbecker said...

The stuff I miss because I don't have cable...

Patti said...

@proudmom: LOL at the rant. Doubtful it's done. ;)

@Derbecker: It's radio, actually. From your town! I mute TV commercials.