"All words are symbols that represent unspeakable realities. Which is also why words are magical." (Donald Miller tweet)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Skyline - spoiler alert!

*** spoiler alert!! ***

*** do NOT read this post if you are planning to see Skyline ***

Still here? OK.

Worst. Movie. Ever. And I do mean EVER.

There is no plot. No character development. Not even a second movie set. That cool movie trailer you saw? It completely spoils the only two moments in the entire movie that MAY have held A TINY BIT of suspense.

Lines like ... "I don't see the aliens landing over water..." lead you to believe that perhaps that will matter in some way. It doesn't.

Lead character covertly checking and re-checking his alien infection that seems to be getting worse (is he going to turn into an alien?), or alternatively, seems to be making him more powerful (is he going to turn into a superhero?) ... also never develops in any way. At all.

Guy-who-was-simply-the-concierge-and-now-takes-charge-in-an-emergency - you think to yourself, "Perhaps he will be a hero. Perhaps he will save the day." Nope. He just becomes angry and weird, and dies with a ridiculously lame "via con Dios". None of us even remembers his name.

At the end, the last two characters alive simply give up and make out in the air together, as they are sucked into a spaceship ... oh but wait, that's not the end. No, no.

The END has her waking up in some sort of alien slime pit, with a gazillion other humans. One at a time, they each have their heads popped off and eaten, like some alien popcorn fest. Seriously. You actually think of popcorn at that moment. In terror, she watches this happen to her boyfriend, and tries to escape, but she doesn't. And at the last second, just before her head is popped off, a monster appears - who has eaten her boyfriend's brain, and thus carries her boyfriend's feelings - and saves her. Sort of.

What he actually does is stop her from being killed at that exact moment. Then he leaves. And she is still in the slime pit, presumably to have her head popped off at a later date.

THAT'S the end. No explanation or story behind this alien invasion is ever even hinted at. No one saves the day. Everyone dies.

Elvis movies are better than Skyline. In fact, and this is important, I haven't been permitted to choose movies without supervision since Spike and I were dating, because once, in a moment of poor judgment, I chose Yentl.

As it turns out, Yentl is better - far better - than Skyline. Thus, Spike's movie choosing privileges have been revoked, and I am back in charge, baby!!

Speaking of Spike, I promised to record his verdict in this post, so here it is. "James Cameron could poop a better movie."

PS No, the special effects do not make up for the rest of it.


Kelly said...

I've never even heard of this movie. So nothing was spoiled! :)

Papa can you hear me?

THAT was an excellent movie! But one I could never watch with G!

I did see Red last Friday night and thoroughly enjoyed that.

Patti said...

Red - now THAT was good :)

chRistine said...

*laugh* Skyline sounds really stupid.

Bob said...

Thanks for the warnng P2

Thanks to the trailer Skyline was actually on my list. You would think by now I'd know better:)

D_Morrison said...

Patti, this sounds similar to the time I picked "The Hills Have Eyes" causing Kim to revoke my movie picking privliedges for a good few years...thanks for warning me against this one

Patti said...

Hey, I'm just here to serve. :)