"All words are symbols that represent unspeakable realities. Which is also why words are magical." (Donald Miller tweet)

Sunday, August 14, 2011

it couldn't have been better!

(A guest post by J-Blu)

Have you ever spent a day with Aunt Patti and Uncle Jeff?  Even better-a whole weekend?  It's fun, but you have to go prepared.  And if they take you to Niagara Falls, seriously brace yourself.  This is what's most likely to happen.

First, you'll drive around, trying to find a cheap spot to park.  Take the bussy thingy provided to the Falls.  You'll probably buy your tickets for the Journey Behind the Falls, realize you have time to do something while you're waiting, so then practically run a couple hundred kilometres to get to the Maid of the Mist.  You'll buy your tickets, the lady will say you have time to go on it before your scheduled Journey Behind the Falls, UJ won't believe her, but he will take everybody's word for it anyway.  (I know what you're all thinking-finally UJ comes in!  But trust me, you'll be hearing a lot of him throughout this warning-I mean, wonderful mind tour.)

You're going to wait in line for half a dozen hours, then get pushed into a corner, have some dude go 3, 2, 1, he'll flash a blinding light in your eye, and then push you along.  He'll have to give UJ and Punk a little more attention (especially UJ) because they're still in shock of what just happened, they're out in candy land of which no one in the real world knows exists.

After getting UJ and Punk back from-well, wherever-you're probably going to wait in line once again, go up in an elevator, have UJ freak the worker out, then get in another line.  Just so you know, you're now waiting for a blue, plastic poncho thing so you don't get soaked. 

You'll think the bottom of the boat is as good as the top so you'll decide to go to the back of the boat, on the bottom, while everybody is pushing to get to the top edges.  Punk hides behind the Canadian flag and it's attached pole, probably because he doesn't want to get his special forty dollar Blue Jays hat wet.  (I'm sorry if you and the Jays have a  hate hate relationship, but Punk has an adoring relationship with them.  What can you do?  It comes from Daddy Punk.) 

So anyway, UJ thinks it's boring because you can't see anything from the back until the boat turns around.  So he'll walk around a little bit, then come running at all of you, telling you all to go upstairs.  Once you get up there, you'll have to admit, it's pretty amazing!  After you've turned around and past the Falls, wait for people to stop standing at the top of the stairs for no reason at all and move, then race downstairs so you're able to get out quickly when the boat stops.  Don't go to the gate UJ thinks you'll come out of because you won't.  You'll go out the opposite one.  So you'll shove through the people who are smarter than you and run out almost individually-there's no staying as a group. 

Let J-Blu rip her blue plastic poncho thing right in half, then as you walk by, you'll all throw them out in the recycling bins they have set up for you.  On you're way out, spend half a million dollars to buy two copies (in frames!) of the picture you surprisingly had taken for you, even if you didn't want it.  Look at them and laugh at UJ, Punk and Bean and keep going.

Now book it 300 km/h all the way back so you make it to the Journey Behind the Falls.  While you're waiting in line, UJ will take Bean to the bathroom again because of the bottle of pop he drank, then wait in line for a few more hours.  You'll realize that you have to get your picture taken again, confirm with everyone that you're all going to make crazy faces, then actually make it happen.

You'll wait in another HUGE line, get yellow, plastic poncho things, and wait in yet another GIGANTIC line.  You might see a tiny, little baby that's adorable, but then notice that it has scary hair that sticks straight up, and should probably be checked out.  Watch it scream at the camera flash, then calm right down again-it's quite funny.  Keep waiting because there's nothing to be entertained by, then notice a very tall duck-like human walking down the line with stylish sunglasses.  His dad or whoever the guy is will cover for him and tell everyone who's laughing at him something that you won't understand.  Laugh because he laughed, and just keep walking.  Finally, you get in the elevator and have UJ freak the worker out and embarrass you all in front of an elevator full of people, then quietly walk out as if you don't know him. 

Go into the nearest portal thing that's gated in (you're now behind the falls!), watch white stuff  (the mist) fall, be impressed and walk down to the next one.  Same thing.  Now you're disappointed because you think that's all it is, but then have Bean lead you around a corner, to a set of stairs.  Walk down them and get soaked because you will be right beside the falls!!  Once you're amazement bar runs out, wait for AP to read all the historical signs, and go back down the elevator. 

When you walk out of it, you will freeze your skin off.  Again, let J-Blu rip her plastic thinger-majiger in half, and give them to UJ to dispose of them.  Spend a quarter of a million dollars this time to get another two copies (in frames!) of the crazy faces you made.  Leave the cave thingy you're in.

Find that Punk, J-Blu, and Bean are wiped, so get on the bussy thingy to go back to the parking lot.  UJ and AP will decide that they absolutely love and adore their niece and nephews so much that they'll take them to the MANDARIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Everybody is flying high over the moon, until UJ's GPS shuts down, not having the right charger that UJ forgot in his truck.  After a while of not knowing anything, everyone gets a little tense with each other.  But it's OK!  UJ will keep driving straight and finally find it when everyone is starving.  The OPEN sign won't be lit up, so you will all get incredibly discouraged, thinking it was closed.  Then, a Mandarin 'welcomer' comes to the rescue and opens the door for all of you and a little elderly lady.  Punk and J-Blu run for the crab legs right away and get piled high plate fulls for themselves.  They get a few plates like that, then go for desert.  Meanwhile, Bean will be a disgrace to the Szusz name and won't even have one crab leg.  No, instead he has eight pieces of watermelon, four ribs, and desert.  (But we still love him!)  AP will have all different kinds of food, including a devilled egg that J-Blu and Bean will not be impressed with, then she'll go for desert.  UJ will have one crab leg, half a small lobster that has seasonings, cheese, etc. on it, which will be wrong in J-Blu's eyes and who knows what else he'll have.  Then of course, he'll go for desert, maybe a couple times.  After all, the servers will be amazing, and it'll be an awesome day!  You'll all leave refreshed and very happy! 

The rest of the night is history and so is the rest of the weekend.

Now J-Blu needs to sleep.

(And she is sorry that this was so long, you should go have a nap, too.) 


Anonymous said...

Sounds like an absolute blast!

Derbecker said...

Oddly enough, I'm going to Niagara Falls for 2 days starting tomorrow and had forgotten all about walking behind the falls...maybe my son will enjoy it...

Anonymous said...

Well J-Blu! A writer - a blogger! Who'd-a-thunk?

Wildly entertaining - and the million dollar pix were definitely worth it!

Patti said...

Derbecker - the portals are kinda meh. But walking out on the platform to get soaked - that's cool. :)

Patti said...

UJ had an excellent time with Punk, J-Blu, Bean and AP... a good time was had by all... until next time then...

Patti said...

BTW - the last post was penned by none other than UJ himself. Just so y'all know.

Jack said...

awesomeness...pure awesomeness.

Guinwalla said...

We had an awesome time, too!!